I’m a mess, I confess.
So I started to like you 6 months ago, or 7 or even more? I don’t even know anymore. But what I do know is that I’ve loved you for who you were. We thought we’d stop talking because I switched school, and honnestly, I was thinking it to. I thought it would be so much easier if we didn’t talk because then I wouldn’t be reminded of my feelings for you. But no. We kept on talking, and talking, and talking. We don’t see eachother often, no, but we still talk, and that’s one of the reasons that I love you. You listen to me, you care, or atleast pretend, and you make me feel a little bit better. I might not be the only girl you talk to, and I’m not a special friend we’re just ‘good friends’ for you. But yeah, for you. You don’t fucking know what’s going on inside my head, how much I still hide for you because 1. I’d ruin our friendship 2. I’d lose you 3. I just can’t tell it. I love you, oh so much, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. Never. That’s too precious for me. And everyone might know I’m in love, and everyone might think things. I know the truth, I know you don’t love me back, but that doesn’t stop me from loving you. I try to take distance, but if you suddenly stay up ‘til 2A.M. to talk to me, I begin to start thinking, and it’s that thinking that makes me go so mad. That makes me go back to the start, where I did all those stupid things. You know I never stopped self harming, you’re one of the only ones and I trust you so much. Maybe a bit too much sometimes because you have told things to others that I thought you wouldn’t. But one thing is sure, if you tell those things about my selfharm, depression, personal state, mental state. I won’t be happy. I’d be seriously mad at you and won’t want to talk to you. But we both know I’m not that strong so I’ll keep on talking to you, but with a bad feeling. Because then you’ll totally lose that trust I have in you.
My eyes are red. Maybe because I’m tired, maybe because I cried. My arms are full of bruises, maybe because I fell, maybe because I got hit. My mind is full of pain. Maybe because I’m depressed, maybe because I have a headache. My legs are with scratches. Maybe from the cat, or maybe from myself.
You never really know what’s going on in the personal life of a person. They could be dying, having a shit time at home, or something else. People hide things so good. You only notice things when it’s too late. When there’s nothing you can do to help them. The only thing you can do then, is be there for them. Let them talk, to let them cry at your shoulder. It’s hard to see that you can do nothing for them, but sometimes it’s all you really can do.
Does anyone else ever had the feeling that no matter what they do, it’s not good enough ? That you need to do more , and more, and more. Until you can’t anymore and you just collapse? I’ve been feeling like this for a while now, and it’s seriously killing me.
I feel like I’m balancing on the edge, that if I take one wrong step, I’ll fall and it’ll be the end. The fact that my sister keeps remending me that my family secretly hates me, doesn’t help also. I’ve been thinking about suicide way too often the last days. I don’t know how to get out of it anymore, out of this circle down. But well, at least, I’m not doing self harm, maybe that’s just the only good thing. I’m scared of living, but I don’t want to die.
Since I’m not much on this site because I still don’t know it that well, you can always ask me things on here. I’d very much like to talk to you, but well, this site here is weird for me..
I supported you in hard times, I made you feel better.
And all what you’re giving back to me is a broken heart and an empty space in my life.
So tell me dear are you really ok?
Because I see the pain in your eyes
and the tears from last night on your cheeck
are you really as fine as you say?
Because what I see on your wrist isn’t that good.
Look me in the eyes my love and tell me
how are you really feeling because
right now you’re faking the smile on your face